Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Slack Slacker Slacking

My new self-imposed style challenge over the next few posts is styling black slacks.

I have multiple pairs of these. They fit well, they're really comfortable, and I almost never wear them. They just look like office wear to me. I need to change that, because Pants That Fit (as opposed to Pants With Waist Gap in Which I Could Smuggle a Small Child) are a rare thing for my build (large bottom half relative to waist), and straight black slacks made of stretch fabric are one of the most common forms.

Speaking of, I wrote a song about Pants That Fit the other day. It goes like this:

Oh pants (clap clap) that fit (clap clap)
A wonder to behold!
But pants (clap clap) that fit (clap clap)
are never, ever sold (as is!)
And so (clap clap) from you (clap clap)
the tailor I will get
These pants (clap clap) that fit (clap clap)
Two fashionable sets.
  -- New tailored clothes song

I make up songs and sing them to myself when I'm driving alone. Does anybody else do this? I have a cardamom song with three verses if you'd like to trade.

I went on Pinterest and Google image search, but everyone there seemed to be wearing them a) as office wear, and/or b) with a voluminous oversized shirt, aggressively uncomfortable shoes, and a blazer.
Sometimes, Internet, you are no damn help at all. And what does everyone have against socks?

If these photos were to be believed, black slacks would make me an elongated person with dramatic angles and artfully hanging loose cloth, instead of what they actually do, which is make me look like a sturdy ninja. I like being a sturdy ninja, but it means these photos are useless to me.

So now you half know what to expect for my next few posts. The rest of it is a mystery! It's a mystery to me, too. I have no clue what I'm going to wear on my top half. You rest assured it will be something though, unlike the most disappointed people in the world, who visited my blog this week:

Do you have any suggestions? How do you wear black slacks, if you do?


  1. ha ha ha ha ha ha!

    This whole post made me laugh.

    I hope you aren't taking your hands of the wheel to clap along to your car song ; )

    I'll take that cardamon song and trade you for a song I sing to my pug, " Good morning, good morning, good morning, good day! (musical interlude in my head for 2 bars) then...How is my baby pug on this lovely day?"

    Promise you aren't going to spread this around though. That song is worth millions.

    Japanese armpit fetish??? (shuddering)

    It is funny with your quest for properly fitting black pants because I too have the sturdy ninja problem. I thought I'd solved it this year with a pair I bought from Joe Fresh that looked like something Audrey Hepburn would look great in. When I put them on and took photos it occurred to me that "Suzanne you ain't no Audrey Hepburn" and back they went.

    I don't own one pair of black dress pants or grey or blue dress pants for that matter.

    I can't wait for your posts now and the mystery to be revealed!


  2. I make up little songs all the time, often about the kids and the cats. There was one to the tune of David Bowie's Space Oddity, an ode to my son when he was a baby (Ground Control to Owen Tom, eat your baby rice and put your nappy on). So no, you're not alone.
    Neither are you alone with experiencing a dissonance between images of other people wearing stuff and you wearing it. I used to have lots of black trousers years ago for work, but apart from some silk palazzos, I don't wear any now. Because trousers and my legs Do Not Work. But I look forward to seeing how you style yours!
    And thirdly, blog search terms are hilarious, I've had some corkers. Vintage pissing and large hanging labia were my favourites. And I thought I hid them so well... Perhaps I should wear trousers after all. xxxx

  3. Love the song!!!

    Black pants-eh I know what you mean about styling them. I have one pair I cram in boots and another that are actually pin striped and wide that I wear with bright pullover sweaters. Nothing earth shattering or innovative for sure.

    The search terms are.......disturbing yet so so funny.

  4. I love cardamom. Didn't know it could appear in a song. You're clever to use it that way. I just put mine in hot tea.

    Now slacks... I'm just reporting the news, so don't get angry at me. Two years ago, a survey was conducted and the number one word that the majority of Americans hated... HATED... was "slacks." Why? I have no clue. But it was. Perhaps you're smarter than me and can figure it out.

  5. I usually wear black pants with black/white/red. I usually opt for something patterned and/or bright. Or mix them with a bunch of neutrals. Add olive, brown, and rust!

    Admittedly, I've made a private agreement with myself to say 'fuck leggings/tights' for winter and just wear pants until it's warm enough for bare legs. So I'm getting over my black pant ban,

  6. Loved your song :D! I am a jeans person, I never wear other types of pants... (mayhaps tracksuit bottoms?). I have probs finding awesome jeans tho! Talking about pants, drop me an email so let's discuss about the skinny jeans :) My addy is in my blog :)
    Haha, sometimes people come to my blog too by really random search words :D!

  7. I am unworthy to comment on your blog. You are too brilliant. I can't wait to see what you do with the black slacks (and maybe there will be more verses to your song once you've styled them?).

    "aggressively uncomfortable shoes" -Ha! I need to remember that one. It assigns malevolence to the footwear, which in many cases is rightly deserved. Shoes, as ladies well know, are not passive, inanimate objects.

  8. Hi Aya!

    I seldom wear pants, i'm not comfortable in them - The only thing remotly connected with black slacks, yes i too hate that word are black leggings for me

    Why don't you wear a dress with your black pants?

    I don't make up little songs,but i do sing
    But one thing i do is i talk a lot to myself, a lot!
    Am I crazy Aya?


  9. Hmm ... my workplace is so casual that while I do own black slacks, I usually end up wearing jeans. I usually like to pair black pants with a brightly colored cardigan or top (nothing inventive there, sorry!). I think you could pull off something menswear-ish/airship captain-like with an awesome hat, vest, or that gorgeous harness you own. Can't wait to see what you come up with!

  10. The way I wear black slacks is "all the time". My most solid wardrobe staple, and gave up long ago expecting them to fit without alterations. So I just do it myself. I just like black because of visual associations I make with the neutral.
    You have so many incredible steam and referential toppers that you will easily rock those with black trousers for your characteristically strong look. Looking forward to seeing what you do !
    I recently tried a style-challenge that required using Polyvore and collecting a bunch of photos of different styles of clothing. Great idea, but I don't like doing it as the strange cutouts look so different than my proportions and shape. Doesn't tell me much except what a fit model might look good in.