On sexiness and changing narratives

  Before the weather turned, found myself myself pushing the bounds of what I was comfortable with wearing outside. I've been wearing red lipstick, and I tried some outfits that showed more of my shoulders and back.

  I think this was sparked by a conversation with a friend of mine. He said that for someone who loves style as much as I do, the colors I prefer -slate blue and soft grey- are "urban camouflage" and that I still dress an awful lot like I don't want to be noticed.

  I thought about it, and I realized that while I dress to be confident and happy, that I am very gunshy about dressing sexy. Part of it is I am paranoid about looking inappropriate/trashy/tasteless, but part of it is also a reaction to the male gaze.

Urban camo!

  I started physically developing when I was 10. By the time I turned 11, unwanted scary male attention started. Bam! All of my feminine clothes went away and I dressed to be invisible for the next 8 years.

  When I started trying more feminine clothes again in my late teens and twenties, I discovered a new type of predator: much older men with Asian fetishes approaching me in cafés and Japanese bookstores. I steered well clear, but again, it was a confrontation in which I was prey and it left me feeling dirty, marginalized to a fetish, and powerless. If I'm never called "exotic" again it'll be too soon.

  Even with the early puberty, I think I've had a less extreme version than what many women have to put up with. My natural protections include an ADHD, distracted way of socializing (I walk around staring intently into my own little world), and being born a woman of color, which automatically puts my appeal outside the mainstream.

  Sometimes you receive awesome compliments from strangers. Sometimes people hit on you in a polite and nice way that you feel comfortable saying "no thank you" to. Sometimes you're followed in a car while you're on foot or called to as you'd call a cat, and there's less reasonableness involved. Ultimately I think I the puzzle we all face is wanting to be attractive to the people we find attractive, and unappealing to the people we find creepy.

  Nowadays I both have more confidence and honestly, enough years on my face that men who prey on young coeds don't sniff around any more. It also helps to be in the SF Bay Area, which is majority population Chinese. I blend, and people seem less likely to fetishize 50% of the people around them, at least blatantly.

  For the few unwanted approaches I still encounter, I have developed my own way of dealing with the situation. You see, when a person makes an unwanted advance, it can easily become a situation in which I feel trapped and the center of scrutiny.

  So I developed the Bro Stance to change the narrative: I drop my naturally low alto to the bottom of my register, jut out my lower jaw, lower my brow and shout, "Coo, thanks, braw!" and throw a peace sign or a 'W'. It's kind of improv from there, but there's usually a chest bump with my fist or a chin nod-up involved. My nuclear option is shouting "Nah, BITCH!" if I get really uncomfortable.

"Uh-oh. Better make myself look BIG!" -The Cat, Red Dwarf

  Prey has become confusing and possibly masculine! Irony! I like to imagine a person reaching for a delicious sandwich only to find it has transformed itself into a jar of fuzzy purple mayonnaise. Sac town represent!

  The situations I've used it in have certainly left me feeling like Not Prey and the other party feeling confused. I really like it. It makes me giddy every time it works. I practiced it when I was alone and now I use it without even thinking when I'm in a situation where I don't feel comfortable.

  Best of all, doing this jars me out of my "freeze and stare into the headlights!" mentality that is my normal reaction to any sort of unexpected situation, and I feel centered and ready to push back if someone encroaches on my boundaries.

  Growing up is all about developing these little coping mechanisms, isn't it? May I ask what sort of coping mechanisms you've developed as you've made your way in the world? (In general, not necessarily being hit on or making a spectacle of yourself in public. :D)